night mover

Now I think I'm learning to become The person that I needed to love And who was never really real The strength just comes to me I don't question where from I don't think I could trust myself to understand But when it happens I am all that I have Falling into memory, all the tenderness I tried to save All the vulnerable parts of me fossilizing into hardened shapes Wishing I could give into anybody's gentleness and trust But there's nothing that I cannot do I don't need anybody but who I've become I don't question the love I don't think I could trust myself to understand Now I know I'm all I have Falling into memory, all the tenderness I tried to save All the vulnerable parts of me fossilizing into hardened shapes Wishing I could give into anybody's gentleness and trust But there's nothing that I cannot do I don't need anybody but who I've become When I was a kid I could see through this illusion Now I know there's nothing there No comfort from the nightmare Just awake in the dark between everything Too real to bear When I was a kid I could see through this illusion Now I know there's nothing there No comfort from the nightmare Just awake in the dark between everything Too real to bear Falling into memory, all the tenderness I tried to save All the vulnerable parts of me fossilizing into hardened shapes Wishing I could give into anybody's gentleness and trust But there's nothing that I cannot do. I don't need anybody but who I've become. Somewhere, not here In a place whose name has vanished In the leaves I found myself (10 SURPRISING THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU UGLIER) (YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE MY BACK) And I opened my eyes (SICKO VIBE MOTHERFUCKER SINCE DAY 1) And nobody is asking me if I'm okay (All the years between then and now) They won't look me in the fucking eye [Motherfucker I'm rigtht here] Even something half-assed and insincere (I've gotten used to what I am) Would let me know that I survived Bitches can't even get one thing straight (And I see your pain at not knowing) Yet they're acting like they've known me for a lifetime (How to reconcile yourself with that) Bitch, you don't know half of the shit That around you I have to hide all the time When I was a kid I could see though (I won't apologize) The illusion that I would need you And I know that I came from somewhere else (I can see the anger in your eyes) And I know that I can never let this place and this pain And you fucking heartless poltergeists touch it (And it's not my responsibility to teach you now) Touch it Never fucking touch it I don't owe you shit So step off, bitch I just want to believe everyone will show simple kindness And try to be trustable (Try to be trustable, even after every time after every time) Even after every time (Feeling and feeding the ugly truth) Feeling the ugly truth and being let down (And being let down - I'm so easy to convince) I'm so easy to convince Just tell me you see (See) What's hiding deep within (What's hiding deep within) I don't wanna say it I don't wanna say it I waited til I felt like I was breaking and then (I don't wanna say it. Shh) I kept the feeling of safety contained someplace in my head And I really thought that I would die Before it could be said aloud to anyone (Anyone, anyone) So much time running from everything that came before I screamed it til I was hoarse, repeated til I wasn't scared anymore: "I DON'T BELIEVE IN THIS WORLD." Everybody told me, everybody said Every stressor that I felt was just in my head I don't give a shit if you think it'll kill me (I don't give a shit if you think it'll kill me) I'm always gonna pretend (Pretend) And two people I could trust opened up a new world [I'll pretend til I get there] (The portal opened then) But I didn't see the danger in it Still a trusting dumb kid Everybody takes advantage of it And you wonder why you're so fucked up when You couldn't say no I couldn't say no So coming out of hell after hell I met you And I felt it I felt true love then (Overwhelming after everything before) And something happened That I didn't see the true shape of for too long (And it seemed like all my dreams were coming true) [too long] And something happened That I didn't see the true shape of for the next - It doesn't matter how long It wasn't evil and it wasn't simple enough (Just like everything before) Then, I didn't listen to my intuition Oh my fucking god I was so fucked up in love I just couldn't (Just like everything before) (Not again) But I don't want anybody to hate you for it Shoulda never been their business in the first place I know we're all fucked up, but the shit got so far gone So far gone that I could not see an exit Lost inside, confused, trying every second - Don't give up I tried to keep it together, but now I can see I only tore myself apart I'm finished here, I'm moving on Don't try to find me, I'll be gone The moment hangs, forever lost - Don't let them crush your stupid heart. I love you. I would have done almost anything I could Just to take all of the pain away I would have given up my soul I pray that feeling is lost forever So I will never disregard my self and let her suffer again Where are we this time? Where is this? We're not here this time We have strayed outside the vision But it doesn't matter, gotta get my life back Kinda getting desperate, but I won't let This destroy everything that I worked for All the times that I hurt more than I could bear But I did - I did it, I made it through for somebody else But where was I? Where the fuck was I?? Trapped deep inside, suppressed, could not even cry Gotta reach out, gotta know I'm in there (So What?) Oh god, what if I can't - Oh god, what if after all this time, I can't find myself at all?? I swear I'm in here Oh please god don't give up I swear I'm in here Please don't give up I'm all alone, please I dream about you all the time now, Last night felt like we were really there - I was going back. And I saw things so clearly (You were there and you knew) That I'd never seen before (Everything that you did.) And I knew that it was true. (And I hugged you and cried and I knew that it wasn't really you.) And I knew that when I woke up I would see things like I had never seen them (This will haunt me:) But it was just another grey morning and I could feel (Did you ever love me, or was I only of use?) The edges of the hole that you dug, that I let you dig [Will I ever feel] (I'll never know.) Everybody "knows" now. Everybody thinks they know. And I just want a future [Will I ever feel?] And a fresh start [Will I ever feel what I felt with you?] Like I should've had back then when the portal opened [Will I ever feel what I - What I - ] Kicking habit after habit as I try to hold on To the naive kid I was before [Will I ever feel what I felt with you?] [Is it even healthy to pursue?] And I got out, got my best friends here {Fucking trauma bonded, safety's always just a promise} But I don't feel here at all {Can you keep it? For how long?} And I've seen this place before in my dreams All this time, it's waited here for me The sun, the bracing sea breeze, Burn it all away, please Evaporate the water, scorch the air FUCK ALL OF THIS BEAUTY, I DONT CARE NOTHING HAPPENED HERE THAT I CAN CHANGE WHY DO I KEEP COMING BACK TO THIS PLACE?? I don't think I can make it. (Why did you fucking do it?) Just one more day (Please, I was just a kid, I came all this fucking way) Just one more fucking little day (I'm a fucking spoiled brat but I know please) It's all that I have (Please - please - don't leave me) Don't leave me alone Why? What the fuck could make yuo think it's ok? What the fuck could make you think it's ok to do that? I know I'm just a fucking coward What the fuck could make you think it's ok? Why? Why the fuck would you do that to me? Why? I know I'm just a spoiled fucking brat I don't deserve to feel this way Please I should have been - Please don't - I'm here with you. I see you.