EMERGER

you always taught me to be careful even in the worst abandon you always taught me to be careful even beside myself, even outside myself you always taught me to be careful even in the worst abandon so why does it always feel like im seeking it out like im staring it down avert your eyes oh were you such a bad teacher? oh was i so good at putting distance between my eyes and yours? all the care in the world are the carelessness in the fantasy all the sex in the dream couldn't shield me from the spiral out and out oh please thank god for paranoia thank god for symptoms thank god for every flicker of grey light inside us it's all a pattern it's all laid out like darlings a first draft wretched with life i let you in i let you in i let you in eyes rolling like an animal used to running holding it in disappearing fading into the REM again don't save me running again never again never be motionless exhausted muscles twitch, rip, evaporate in the night air steam, toxic, rising from a crumpled shape step sideways out of light mechanisms slipping inside heaven in consuming white of the eye pissing myself on the asphalt where have you been? all your wannabe grace still tripped when it mattered still tryna feign motherfucker be real with the loose ends you could never figure out frayed twine cauterize dead inside no help what were ur motivations? twist in the wind of changes what does the world that u covet contain? it's cold in this narrow future where to go once you've killed the past? feign crooked life to be looked at throw away all the time that u could have feign crooked life to be looked at throw away all the time that u could have open yourself fade out with grace, coward. you always taught me to be careful you always taught me to be careful and i listened you always taught me to be careful i swear i listened so why do i feel like eating myself and emerging?