holding your sleeping body i prayed to god for the first time in my life that i would be able to keep you alive (P1500021.MP4 November 12 2020)

2020 writing journals that i barely remember threatening my stepdad with a bread knife in the kitchen preteen, probably no good reason could've been so much worse but the fury in his features, inches from mine - so familiar back in the present a phone explodes beside me is this a joke i don't get? "sorry" - then even closer, again frozen - no bread knife, no preteen chaos im not a reason but im not a reason to stop which is worse. but its still not that bad it never is. a holographic sheet of plastic found in the ruins of a Huawei p30 on an apartment floor let's make something with it let's move forward "i miss you" optimistic like a child you would've hated that - regression or fear of you "pick one" i can't believe i let you convince me that being scared of your screaming was my fault i went to therapy like you told me to, what the fuck over and over i put everything i had into keeping you safe and when i realized it was impossible i finally had to protect myself 2018 after so much work and distance i finally felt carefree i finally loved myself a little bit now i'm empty and i'm afraid of everyone still i don't regret anything six years living in a short-circuiting wind tunnel bracing myself every second now my insides are frozen and i cant see the sky oh i made you feel bad? good. that's how you get better. until you understand the weight of what your behavior slowly did to me you'll be stuck inside yourself and nothing will ever change or you can just keep making shit up about me - at this point i don't really care.